Mirror Mirror

After having a rough day as I did today at my job I found myself wondering why do I like it so much. I realized that it’s because I get to FEEL at my job. I had been so good at switching off my feelings just because I felt it was too tiring to feel. Why get so worked up and angry when it was so much easier to just be calm and numb? Even feeling happy became such a hard thing to do even though it was always so easy for me. Now, I go through moments of anger, sadness, happiness, excitement, and total stress. Do I think it’s worth it? Maybe not in the long run coz I’d get a heart attack but for now, yes it’s worth it because I was dying inside. I’m happy that I am so mad right now that I just can’t sleep.
The other reason why I like my job is because I get to learn so much about myself. I’m under a microscope all the time. I have to assess how to work with this person, how to motivate that person, how to react when someone blows up in my face, how to react with politics, and just basically how to get the work done in the best way possible. Through the nature of my job I found out what my weaknesses and strengths are. I did not discover them in this much detail before. I found things I liked about myself which included me not being as naïve and weak as I thought I was. I also found things that are really bad like wanting to either do everything perfectly or feeling guilty for the tiniest things, or helping people when it’s out of my job description just because I can, not realizing that that makes me have to compromise on the quality of what IS in my job description. Its ugly having to look at yourself in the mirror that deeply and with everyone watching but its healthy and very much needed at the age I am in now. I just hope I learn to change the things I dislike, and keep the things I do like about myself. Only time will tell...hope I am able to do it before my flame fizzles out

Song: Broken by Lifehouse

As many of you now realize, I just love Lifehouse and Matchbox 20. Here's the latest Lifehouse obession. Enjoy but keep a box of tissues close by.

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart, that's still beating
In the pain, is there healing
In your name, I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning, you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection, inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, is there healing
In your name, I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hangin' on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, is there healing
In your name, I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The Human Connection

People always describe me as a "people's person"; someone who likes everyone and prefers to be with people at all times. That is true, or at least its always what I pursue (I do appreciate my alone time). And lately that part of me has been nudged a few times to the point that it hurts. I find the human connection to be the most amazing and sacred thing in the world. The way you manage to connect with someone at a certain time is just wow to me. How did that person, who's so different from me, give me exactly what I needed in that moment in my life? Its fascinating, and truly amazing. I have had to say bye to two extremely dear people over the past 6 months...each one of them I had a true and real connection with. I cant begin to describe to you the very real feeling of LOSS that I felt to watch them go. Feeling that reminded me that that feeling of loss was because that unique human connection is fragile, needs to be nurtured, and can disappear if you are not careful. Its a connection you can have with many people depending on the situation, it can be with the same person but at different phases of your life, it can be with a complete stranger for a moment. But finding one that is long lasting, as it was with these 2 friends I had to say bye to, is rare and worth crying about when lost. I say lost because no matter how close you manage to stay with them while they are away, its never as strong as it would be when they are by your side. And I am a firm believer that time heals all wounds as well as is a way of letting things go when you don't even realize that you are letting go. We as humans CRAVE that human connection, so when you cant have it with the same person, you'll find it with someone else. Unless you do a very good job of keeping it safe and sacred (that pretty much applies to relationships, marriage, family ties, and friendships). The craving surpasses anything else. It doesn't mean you'll lose the people who left, but it means you'll lose the connection a little bit till they come back and you hopefully reconnect again. Till then, the sweetness of that human connection finds a way of coming back into your life, and I believe its because we welcome it with open arms :)

Vacations

I always assumed that as I got older vacations would more and more be about resting. Chilling out and just taking the time to be with family and friends. I noticed how my weekends became so focused on those 2 things in specific; making sure I stay in bed longer than I'd like, and jump all over Cairo to see the dear people to me whom I'm deprived of all week. Having those 2 expectations put a lot of pressure on the weekends but who cares as long as you get both right? Well...I traveled to the far east with 3 people, only one of which was extremely close to me and oh boy did that vacation have a different taste to any other vacation I had ever had! I always did really enjoy travelling abroad with friends, but this vacation was the first time I had done so since I had graduated 3 years ago. It was very different. Each one of us was opinionated, put importance on getting enough rest, made it a point to eat when hungry and rest when tired. Energy levels and curiosity were still high. The need to have a good time, and bond with the gang still existed. But the readiness to just go with the flow wasn't. Settling for less quality was absurd. Staying up all night when you had a flight to catch the next day was not encouraged. You felt older, wiser, and more logical. Boring yea? Quite on the contrary, I think it was the first time that I was truly myself in a trip. I said yes when I wanted, and no when I wanted, and it was ok! Fine by everyone, respected by everyone, and it was the same feelings I had to their objections and approvals. Its great doing the "grown up" things we so rebelled against while growing up but still finding acceptance and love from the surroundings. I just loved the trip, and feel a special bond with everyone who was on it. Plus, the much needed break reminded me of how stupid it is to get so stressed out about work...since I got back I haven't been as wired up or burned out as I was pre-traveling. Vacations are definitely a must when you get older!