Receiving quite a number of shockers!

Ok, for the past two months I have heard of 3 sudden deaths in the families of people who are close to me...and because of how sudden and how many they were I am in a state of total denial of them all happening. The first death, the dad of one of my good friends, left me in tears and total sadness. It hit the heart of me instantly and I couldnt stop the tears, it was because of the circumstances of the death which I wont get into...but less than two weeks later, an even closer friend lost a grandfather. And this grandfather was more of a parent for the whole 4-5 years of her university life. And her being my close friend meant I was at their place all the time making him more than an acquaintence. But when I heard about this death, I was so numb to it, its as if I forbade myself from getting that sad again so soon. Same happened with the death of the father of my work colleague just yesterday...I dunno whether its because I sort of accept death in a way, I mean we will all die eventually, or is it because all 3 deaths happened painlessly. I thank God every time I hear that someone passed away painlessly and away from hospitals and without suffering. Its such a blessing, and really my worst fear is to die after months and months of being sick in a hospital. I dread such an end to my life so I appreciate God more when the deaths are away from anything close to that. But, what saddens me is the life circumstances more than the actual death, as was the case for the first death I had heard of...leaving a young child behind, or dying right before a child's wedding, or after having a bad argument with a spouse, etc all these things sadden me because what the people left behind carry with them afterwards is such a deep sadness that is hard to ignore or forget. Its about moments that you were sure you were going to share with this person, and these moments were SO real and planned then suddenly taken away from you in a split second! Another example of a recent sudden death...Heath Ledger! Like what the hell?! Hearing about that right after all the 3 other deaths just surprised me big time! what's happening these days?

Song: Hanging by a Moment by Lifehouse

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me now...

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

There's nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That can change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you....

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

Just hanging by a moment (here with you)
Hanging by a moment (here with you)
Hanging by a moment here with you

Moments

I just got to thinking how precious moments are...in a moment you could feel an overwhelming sense of happiness, or an extremely painful sense of saddness. In a moment you could meet someone you end up spending your life with, or you could lose your temper and lose someone forever. In a moment you could agree to do something that would change your life, or you could let a moment pass and stand perfectly still for years to come. Alot can happen in a moment; lives change, get better, get worse, or just stay as is. You can take advantage of a moment, or totally waste it. One moment you could feel a great sense of love and choose not to express it, knowing that when that moment passes you may have lost a chance for complete happiness. One moment you could feel a boiling sense of rage and choose to let it out, knowing that it could take away something so valuable to you like a friend. One moment you could see someone in need, and choose to turn the other cheek knowing that you may have been the only one who could've helped. One moment you could feel a big sense of exhaustion and give in knowing that if you had only held on a little longer you could've had it all. One moment you could feel totally selfless, and change someone's life by inspiring them, cheering them up, or simply listening to them thus giving them a chance to hear their thoughts out loud. One moment you could feel a small beam of hope and choose to live your life more passionately and with less regret. One moment you could love, and allow yourself to be loved for who you are. Choose what you do with your moments wisely for they do have the power to change the course of your life...these small tiny moments in time, wow they can be so utterly insignificant or so awesomely life changing...

Its the New Year! Time for some Self-Reflection...

Usually every year I make a big deal out of the new year...it can NOT be spent at home, you can leave wherever you are before midnight, and you MUST be surrounded by people you love (never by strangers). That was so important to me that every year when I was younger, an argument with the parents would pop up about curfews and why go out on such a crowd filled night, etc etc. This new year, my parents were abroad, my brothers out, each of my friends doing their own separate thing, and I just decided to STAY HOME! And not just that...to stay in BED! All I dreamt about all day was going to bed, and just couldn't get there any faster. Was just so tired, and the maximum I would do was have my friends over to chill out. Instead, had one or two friends asking me to join them for parties that I was sure would be fun but I just couldnt bring myself to stay up and go...I literally was in bed at 9pm, and only woke up at midnight to wish the special people in my life a happy new year, then zzzzz was off to bed again. I was very surprised at my lack of enthusiasm to celebrate the new year...but oh well :) So my thoughts on new year resolutions and the like was pretty delayed after that and only now am I starting to think of them:

1. To celebrate LIFE more; less complaining and more fun!
2. To be healthier (less junk food, more movement, more sleep)
3. To balance the important relationships in my life (give the right people a bigger slice of the pie, so to speak)
4. To make more time for myself so as to get in touch with who I've become and what I want out of life which in turn will make me less dependent on others to guide me
5. To remember the importance of making someone smile even if its by the simplest gestures because I used to be really good at that but seem to have gotten lazier and a tad selfish
6. To remember God more since over the years I seem to be forgetting Him more and more
7. To be thankful for what I have from solid friendships, loving parents and brothers, a challenging interesting job, a man I absolutely adore, and an interesting place to live in

As I get older, I seem to be losing more and more of the things that used to make life meaningful, just because they took a little bit of effort. Its take effort and time to include your family in your life, it takes effort to switch off the world and meditate, it takes effort to shut everyone out for prayer time, it takes effort to care about someone, it takes effort to feel emotions, and it seems that as we get older we try to make our lives simpler by giving more importance to the practical things that dont need you to go the extra mile. Do your job, call your friend/acquaintence when there's a certain occassion, eat when its the time for it, sleep when u cant keep your eyes open, etc. We do these things instead of taking the time to enjoy a tasty meal when you are hungry, being truely interested in a conversation with a friend instead of just doing your responsibility towards that friendship, doing something thoughtful for a friend instead of just doing your duty, showing someone in need more attention then doing what YOU want for you, etc. Things seem to be revolving more and more around responsibilities, duties, and to do lists. I want to taste life more...to FEEL more...and to be alot less mechanical and practical. Here's to a more LIVELY new year! Where people meet coz they enjoy each other's company instead of because there's a wedding or a funeral. Where I take the time to think of others versus myself...just less laziness and much less mechanical actions and thoughts