Growing up = Seeing things differently

Lately I find myself holding back from feeling anything...for caring enough. I try not to care about all the people I adore because if I do I would feel the pain of not being able to see them, and not being able to be in touch with everything that happens in their lives. I used to be there for everyone, and would genuinely WANT to care about everyone. I would always be the one who remembered bdays, wouldnt let a special occassion pass by without doing something special, wouldnt let someone be sick without me asking about them, wouldnt let someone accomplish something without celebrating...now its as if I decided not to care that much anymore because simply there arent enough hours in the day to do that for everyone in my life...I would need to be selective...and to be selective means I have to pick...and to pick means to be selfish and maybe even inconsiderate...so it seems that because I cant be fair to everyone I have decided to punish myself by not caring about ANYONE in order to avoid having to pick! I dont want to care too much about my family coz I know I cant be there any time they need me, dont want to care too much about all my friends because I cannot be there whenever something special happens or when something sad happens to ALL of them so I can neither celebrate nor cry with them...its sad that I cant do all these things anymore and I am starting to see that this is all a part of growing up. All of us are going through it...you see others also having to choose who to give their time to all the time.I miss the days of having the TIME to be able to care and to be involved in their daily lives. Now I dont want to care because it would hurt too much to realize I have a friend getting married soon and I have never met her fiance, would hurt too much to realize that a friend passed her CFAs and I did nothing but write on her facebook wall, would hurt too much to realize bdays flying by and me not planning huge outings just coz I dont have a slot free to do so, would hurt too much to realize that I dont know much about what's happening in my brothers' lives and that I cant feel compassionate towards my mum and her stress...so not caring makes it less painful, allows me to be more selfish, but doesnt make me any happier it seems. Its not that others are dissappointed in me as much as I am dissappointed in myself but what can you do with only 4 hours a day to yourself versus the HOURS we had to ourselves during uni? In those 4 hours you have to take time for yourself (play sports, have lunch, rest, run errands), make time for family, make time for a friend in need, etc and usually you'd pick to spend the time for yourself coz you dunno who else to give that time to without being picky! I feel I've become super selfish in comparison to how I used to be, and have killed any need to care just so I can feel ok about being selfish...but is it really about feeling selfish? Or do we just have less time, period! I feel that the right thing to do would be to dedicate more time to family and a few close friends, and to stop feeling guilty about not being able to be there for all the rest coz as a friend once told me, we all eventually will have only a couple of people whom we can really count on and our family. Its not because we cant count on the rest but simply because our careers take up too much of our time to be able to keep up with all the rest. So step one for me in this process is to stop the guilt, and to allow myself to feel again...I miss being able to genuinely care about people enough to do special things for them all the time! I think I just need to make peace with the fact that I can only do that with a very few number of people. And those few people deserve to be able to see all sides of me without having to share me with the world, and I deserve the same from them. While for the rest, I still love them, and would still love to be involved but never to the extent I used to, simply because of time. I have to stop feeling guilty also because, face it, we are all going through the EXACT same thing...so all these people I feel guilty about still love me too but they too have had to be selective with whom they let in their daily lives. Nothing wrong with just letting 2-3 people in on what I do or think about EVERY DAY, and the rest keeping them in my life but a relative distance. In the end, we all have special memories with each other, but its also nice to only allow a few to see every part of you, and to love every piece of you...makes them feel special and when they do the same it makes you feel awesome! I just need to start embracing what comes with growing up; it'll allow me to feel the joy of caring again ONLY if I limit it to a few special people...so why not? Its better than feeling you have split yourself so many ways with limited time...so in the end feeling guilt and detached all the time. Make the time to see all the rest in your life, but stop trying to involve all of them in all the small details. As sad as that may sound to me now, that's the best way to get the feeling I so love back...it just needs to take a different form now to work :)

Song: New Shoes by Paolo Nutini

The best feel good song ever!

Woke up cold one tuesday,
i'm looking tired and feeling quite sick,
i felt like there was something missing in my day to day life,
so i quickly opened the wardrobe,
pulled out some jeans and a T-Shirt that seemed clean,
topped it off with a pair of old shoes,
that were ripped around the seams,
and i thought these shoes just don't suit me.

Hey, I put some new shoes on,
and suddenly everything is right,
I said, hey, I put some new shoes on and everybody's smiling,
its so inviting,
Oh, short on money,
but long on time,
slowly strolling in the sweet sunshine,
and i'm running late,
and i dont need an excuse,
'cause i'm wearing my brand new shoes.

Woke up late one thursday,
and i'm seeing stars as i'm rubbing my eyes,
and i felt like there were two days missing,
as i focused on the time,
and i made my way to the kitchen,
but i had to stop from the shock of what i found,
a room full of all my friends all dancing round and round,
and i thought hello new shoes,
byebye them blues.

Hey, I put some new shoes on,
and suddenly everything is right,
I said, hey, I put some new shoes on and everybody's smiling,
its so inviting,
Oh, short on money,
but long on time,
slowly strolling in the sweet sunshine,
and i'm running late,
and i dont need an excuse,
'cause I'm wearing my brand new shoes.

Take me wondering through these streets,
where bright lights and angels meet,
stone to stone they take me on,
im walking till the break of dawn. (x2)

Hey, I put some new shoes on,
and suddenly everything is right,
I said, hey, I put some new shoes on and everybody's smiling,
its so inviting,
Oh, short on money,
but long on time,
slowly strolling in the sweet sunshine,
and i'm running late,
and i dont need an excuse,
'cause i'm wearing my brand new shoes. (x2)

Gouna: Just what I needed

You know that mood you get into where you wake up in the morning and really wish you didn't have to get out of bed? I was in that mood for 2-3 weeks due to thinking too much and not getting enough sleep every night and just getting super frustrated from everything! It happens from time to time and its a sure sign to take a VACATION! I was lucky enough to have a long weekend so went to Gouna with Lina, Hazem, and Coco. I couldn't have asked for a better group of people! I just have an awesome time with every one of these 3 people even when we are doing absolutely nothing, which was what we ended up doing most of the time there! The weekend was made up of us sleeping, singing songs, making fun of each other, and just laughing laughing laughing. Usually in these holidays I pressurize myself to be up early, in the water for the longest time ever, and definately going out at night, just to feel like I made use of every minute of my holiday. But in this vacation, I let it all go and took it very easy. Woke up slowly...ate slowly...went out slowly...we were totally nsync which was great. Gouna is a gorgeous place as well. It was the first time I had stayed there actually; it definately doesn't look like a place you would find in Egypt at all. Very elegant, quiet, and peaceful. I enjoyed listening to the silence alot, enjoyed being silly alot, and just plain had fun. From the Kareoke night, to the pictionary and boggle games, to the french toast we cooked in the morning, to the late nights of singing songs to Coco's guitar playing, to taking 5-10 min nap turns everywhere we went, to the massage I got, just absolutely every stress-free minute of it made me come back with a little more optimism and energy.

Dakahlia, Beni Suif, and Menia

Now that I had an evening to myself to rest, I realized that in the past week I have been to 3 NEW places in Egypt that I had never been to before! Its amazing how different they were; I imagined that they would be very similar. People in Menia had a different accent, were more curious and welcoming, and the women were less likely to be out and about in the streets; they prefered their homes. While people in Mansoura were louder, and the women in the streets. I enjoyed mixing with the locals, even when it was a bit difficult sometimes; the kids are horrendous! Always teasing, fighting with each other, and just being brats! But others were sweet and wanted to converse and 2 girls actually wanted to leave with me. I am always amazed to see how hospitable and humble these people are in these areas. They would invite us to their homes, and insist on buying us some coke or feeding us lunch. Its the sort of hospitability that we Egyptians are known for but stopped doing in Cairo. It was nice to see that the true essence of it still existed in Egypt, and surprisingly its in the poorest areas. Goes to show that a good nature and a pure heart don't come with money as some might think. Of course during these trips all I could think of was the heat, getting my work done, and the bumpy road home so didnt really get to enjoy them much except in the last day I went where I decided I was going to mix with the locals more and just enjoy the experience...I'm glad I did :)

When You're Gone by Avril

I have always liked Avril. Her songs are simple and to the point which makes them easy to relate to plus good singalongs. And this new single of hers follows in the same footsteps.

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
is made up on your side

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
All the words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
they lie on my floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
And when you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were
Yeah Yeah

All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe, I need to feel you here with me
Yeah

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear will always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

My Amazing 24th Bday

My 24th bday couldn't have been any better than it was. I was surrounded by people I absolutely loved, and I felt how much they loved me in return. It was a day of feeling comfortably special, with genuine friendships being expressed and shared throughout the weekend. On my actual bday, I had lunch with friends at one of my favorite spots in Cairo, Sangria, where you have the view of the sunset and the Nile. Then on Thursday night, had one of my closest girlfriends in the world, Martha, sleepover where we talked about everything and anything that came to mind then met up with one of my other most favourite people in the world, Hazem, to drive around and get ice cream. The next morning, Martha and I got up bright and early to go shopping for snacks for my bday bash at Hazem's place. That day was just amazing! I will treasure that day always. From being thrown into the pool with my clothes on, to receiving a truely throughtful gift, to having my brothers there, to spending time with people I hadn't spent time with in a while...I just had a magical day that is keeping me smiling till today. Thank you guys for making me feel as wonderful as you did. You are the best and am grateful to have you all in my life.

Who am I? What do I want?

Lately I have been feeling myself changing...or maybe its not recently...its been since the beginning of the year but it has intensified lately. Its a feeling I cant really describe nor explain...its sort of needing the change while at the same time not liking it. Missing the old me but realizing the old me can't survive in the world I am living in now yet still prefering the old me so not letting it go. But, what is this old me and new me? Have I really changed? Or am I just wanting to stay stable all the time when really you cant? Perhaps I am just reacting to things that are happening around me so this change is temporary...but what if I am not? What if I keep too many things inside and forget that they are there? I feel things accumulating inside me but cant remember what they are! Like I said, I cant really explain these strange feelings...but I feel them nonetheless. Somehow they keep circulating around who am I and who do I want to be...or why am I the way I am now or why cant I feel things the way I want to feel them? I feel myself becoming more selfish...less caring...less warm...more afraid...less confident...and maybe even a bit more fake. Why? I dont know! I used to always be available to people when they needed me and now I feel I dont want to be...I used to like knowing alot of people, now I really dont...and I feel I WANT these changes but at the same time HATE that I want them! Its just so weird for me to want these changes since that means I want to change the core part of my personality! The worst thing is to have an inner war with yourself, especially in a world where you really cant pause your life to settle that war!

My First Ad Shooting Experience

Last wednesday and thursday I was off shooting 2 different ads for the same product. I was extremely excited about it! My first ads! Yay! All that excitement died down once I realized that those 2 days were going to be extremely hot days; temperatures reached 40 and 41 degrees! Both ads were to be shot in open areas and we'd be in them from 7am till 8-9pm so will definately catch all the sun and the heat. That ended up being the major issue we had in those shoot days...I would literally have to take 2 minute naps in my seat whenever I could afford them to be able to stay conscious. But other than that it was an extremely interesting experience to see the director at work, to see how the shots were being set up, to mingle with the actors (who were mostly kids to my delight!), and to share with the client my insights. I saw the whole "ACTION!" and "1st take, clap" thing which gave me a few "where am I?!" moments. The most impressive thing I found was the amount of effort the production house put in to make everyone comfortable! They would literally move our seating area many times during the day depending on where the shots were being taken. So can you imagine people setting up a shelter-like area with chairs, tables, food, the monitor, and fans with all their electrical wiring in one place then have to move that whole arrangement about 20 feet away an hour or two later just to make us comfortable and close to where the shots were being taken?! We had people asking us every 30 mins if we wanted something to drink and snacks were always available everywhere. It really makes a difference when you have a production house that puts a lot of effort into these small details that can really make a difference with the client and everyone else on the set. Generally speaking, shoots are not the glamourous places you see on TV; they involve alot of concentration and hard work in places and temperatures that are far from comfortable but nonetheless shoots are time spent away from your desk, outdoors, and in places you would have never visited otherwise. Plus they are where you see all your collaborative efforts with creative directors, the client, and others coming to life! I look forward to attending more of these shoots, and look forward even more to seeing the final product aired on TV!