The Hajj Experience

Out of all the life experiences I have expressed on my blog, this one is the most difficult one to express. Why? Because I dont know where to start, I dont know where to end, I dont know how it will sound, I dont know what I gained or lost from it yet. I guess I'll start from the very beginning, when my parents invited me to join them on the hajj trip. Hajj, to those of you who do not know, is an Islamic pilgrimage that all Muslims are required to do once in their life time. Its also an experience which cleans your soul; makes you as you were the day you were born: with no sins to your name. My first reaction to being invited was "I'm not prepared for doing this". I felt I needed to be older, more religious, more humble, and more aware of its importance in my heart. But, I just couldn't say no and delay it till later. Would I ever be ready? Would I ever be given the opportunity again; financially or being alive-wise? So I decided to go for it no matter what I felt knowing that in all cases it was an experience that I would get to share with my parents, if I ever wanted to experience it again I could go again later if I had the chance, plus with my Saudi residency it would be easy to go now versus later when I have it no longer. Plus, a religious scholar advised me, if you were given this opporunity NOW in life then God wants you to go now for whatever reason. So I put my fears and worries aside and just focused on trying my best to prepare for it.

Preparations were when I kept hearing about how BIG of a step I was taking. People were very delighted that I had the opportunity, thanking God for letting me come to visit Him, asking me to please pray for them, and we even had our bawab incredibly happy to see us go and telling us how this is the best thing in the world! For a few this reaction was because they may never have enough money to go themselves, for others its because of the great priviledge all pilgrims get for going. It just reminded me even more of how BIG this step was...it scared me even more. When I say scared, I do not mean it in a negative way, but more of realizing how I should ever take the opportunity for granted and never let this opportunity go...and I was so scared to! So scared that I wouldn't realize its importance!

So I decided to go to a mosque to attend a class on Hajj where a religious figure took us through the steps of hajj. I decided if the experience was clearer to me I would worry less. The class did help alot, got me excited, but then also awoke another fear in me...3-4 million people attend every year, wow! How would I handle that? Plus we were warned, we'd see alot of people trying to correct our actions, or pushing and shoving, or we'd get sick, or we'd lose luggage, or we'd not find clean bathrooms, etc. All this was told to us not to depress us but to prepare us for the negatives we'd experience so that we'd make sure that those experiences did not make us lose focus. If you expect to see them, you'll avoid them better and react less (no temper, and no negative feelings and thoughts). On the other hand, we were asked to enjoy the experience, to sit and gaze unto the ka3ba and just ask God for whatever we liked, to pray for our families, friends, and fellow religion followers. We were reminded that we'd be in the closest place to God's ears and to just pray from our hearts for Him to hear. I started feeling better about going...

I packed, and headed to Saudi, spent a week or so reading Hajj books and discussing it with my parents. I could see how nervous they were as well about it all. But their worries were rested more on this being the first time for them to do it so they weren't sure what was right and wrong; what should we do when; what should we say when? So tensions were high, and stress levels were increasing with each passing day...vaccines were taken, passports prepared, books read, questions asked and answered, and off we went.

And what an experience it was. It was a mix of religious isolation, alot of personal time, physical challenges, emotional ups and downs, moments of awe, moments of surprise, moments of shock, cultural clashes, and even moments of danger. 4 million people were there, and even though I saw them, I did not feel them like I was worried I would. That fear was unfounded :) I saw the millions of tents in Mina where we, the group, camped in a mere one or two of them. I saw the millions of people in the streets in every step we took and every traffic jam we got stuck in, I saw the millions of food leftovers in the streets as we moved from one destination to the other...but never did I realize that I was in the presence of such a number; 4 million! My moments of awe consisted of the first time I saw the Holy Mosque, the time my parents and I went to the 3rd floor and watched the millions of people circulating the ka3ba, and the helping hand that people offered to each other on the streets, in our camps and elsewhere (total strangers making an effort to be human). The moments of danger were when we heard of this road block by the army which delayed our bus trip out of Mina for over 12 hours, this turned out to be due to Saudi officials stopping two different terriorist attacks. My other moment of danger was during one of the pilgrimages' steps where I senselessly bent over in a middle of a crowd to pick up a stone I dropped only to find my dad scream at me out of fear to stand up, NOW! Only when the crowds' pushing almost made me trip over did I realize the danger of what I was doing so quickly stood up to face my dad's frightened face. The moments of emotional ups and downs included mostly physical weaknesses where I felt like I wanted my bed right NOW but couldn't have it...and this never happened during one of the acts of hajj but always on the bus rides or in the tents/rooms. Due to the number of people who were suddenly in Mecca, the 30 minute bus rides started taking 3 hours, where you moved a meter in 15 minutes, and we had to experience that on a daily basis at least twice. One night, after a long day, we got into our buses at 12am, I was cold coz I hadn't chosen my wardrobe for the day wisely, and was physically tired, so decided to try to sleep it off on the bus...one hour passed, I wake up only to find that we had not moved! Roads were at a complete stop...I started to break down, teared up, and just wanted my bed and my covers so badly, and kept wishing I wasn't so weak. Other moments of emotional distress were during the acts of hajj where you know the significance of them, and their rewards, but then seeing the people around you doing very inconsiderate and definately unreligious things just definately puts you to the test to calm yourself down and look the other way and focus on what you are there for. I just couldn't conceive why people would shove others or separate people holding each others' hands through the crowds...I just felt why? We are all here together, doing this together, calm down and focus your energy in worshipping and praying! But I think I did a good job of ignoring it and keeping focus...I never lost my temper thank God, neither did my dad surprisingly, but I was always somewhat dissappointed to see that. The hajj acts themselves were surprisingly easier than I expected and not as hard as I thought. Its everything around them that was hard; transport, living arrangments, the people around you...made me wonder if maybe it would've been a much more fulfilling experience if one could do it all by himself to avoid all these extra problems :)It seems with the addition of roads, buildings, planes, etc your day to day life and its problems becomes injected in the experience whether u like it or not.

So, overall, the hajj itself is a self challenging experience which can be hard and can be easy, just go knowing that you need to do it only once so might as well do it right :) Do your homework before you go, know what you will do, and definately remember that what the people are doing around you has nothing to do with what you yourself are out there to do (separate them and their behaviour from the religious ritual itself). Plus dont go there with the expectations that you'll feel what everyone else seems to dictate you'll feel; allow yourself to feel whatever you want to feel. It is meant to be a personal journey, a personal experience so you shouldn't come back dissappointed if you did not feel the big WOW that some people felt, nor the big light in you that others claimed you should feel...I personally came back feeling proud that I managed to take 8 days out of my life to think of only God and what are the important things in life.