Who am I? What do I want?
Lately I have been feeling myself changing...or maybe its not recently...its been since the beginning of the year but it has intensified lately. Its a feeling I cant really describe nor explain...its sort of needing the change while at the same time not liking it. Missing the old me but realizing the old me can't survive in the world I am living in now yet still prefering the old me so not letting it go. But, what is this old me and new me? Have I really changed? Or am I just wanting to stay stable all the time when really you cant? Perhaps I am just reacting to things that are happening around me so this change is temporary...but what if I am not? What if I keep too many things inside and forget that they are there? I feel things accumulating inside me but cant remember what they are! Like I said, I cant really explain these strange feelings...but I feel them nonetheless. Somehow they keep circulating around who am I and who do I want to be...or why am I the way I am now or why cant I feel things the way I want to feel them? I feel myself becoming more selfish...less caring...less warm...more afraid...less confident...and maybe even a bit more fake. Why? I dont know! I used to always be available to people when they needed me and now I feel I dont want to be...I used to like knowing alot of people, now I really dont...and I feel I WANT these changes but at the same time HATE that I want them! Its just so weird for me to want these changes since that means I want to change the core part of my personality! The worst thing is to have an inner war with yourself, especially in a world where you really cant pause your life to settle that war!
posted by Mai Daoud @ 12:58 PM
3 Comments:
At 12:08 AM ,
Carissa )i( said...
I know exactly how you are feeling...this inner struggle, wanting to change, but also not really not knowing if at the same time you're compromising a part of yourself. Strange, indeed. I think you should give yourself some more time, and if you feel that change is important for YOU, then go with it, no matter what others may think at first.
And you know what? Learning how to be selfish now and then. Regular healthy doses of "me-time" are important :-)
At 12:58 PM ,
Mai Daoud said...
Yea, you are right Carissa...you couldnt have been any more accurate. I need to be a bit selfish for a while and definately do need ME time. Thanks babe
At 4:40 PM ,
meyouka said...
I feel like you stole these words from me.. Trust me I feel the same.. I'm going through the exact same things you are. I've always been there for ppl no matter what, now i'm the rudest person on earth :-)I understand how you don't want to be there, you've had enough of it...
I know this feeling bothers but that's what friends are for. ya3ni begad new friends can bring you back down to earth or at least that's what happened to me. change people and make new close friends cause they will get you back. IMy best friend at work made me realize how bad i treat her when we're best friends and now i'm changing back but you have to be completly open about it :-))
But you know what I've learnt, sometimes all you want is to be selfish shwaya and think about nothing but you and make you happy with no extra work.
Hope i was of any help and if you need anything let me know.
Love you ya mayouya
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