Growing up = Seeing things differently

Lately I find myself holding back from feeling anything...for caring enough. I try not to care about all the people I adore because if I do I would feel the pain of not being able to see them, and not being able to be in touch with everything that happens in their lives. I used to be there for everyone, and would genuinely WANT to care about everyone. I would always be the one who remembered bdays, wouldnt let a special occassion pass by without doing something special, wouldnt let someone be sick without me asking about them, wouldnt let someone accomplish something without celebrating...now its as if I decided not to care that much anymore because simply there arent enough hours in the day to do that for everyone in my life...I would need to be selective...and to be selective means I have to pick...and to pick means to be selfish and maybe even inconsiderate...so it seems that because I cant be fair to everyone I have decided to punish myself by not caring about ANYONE in order to avoid having to pick! I dont want to care too much about my family coz I know I cant be there any time they need me, dont want to care too much about all my friends because I cannot be there whenever something special happens or when something sad happens to ALL of them so I can neither celebrate nor cry with them...its sad that I cant do all these things anymore and I am starting to see that this is all a part of growing up. All of us are going through it...you see others also having to choose who to give their time to all the time.I miss the days of having the TIME to be able to care and to be involved in their daily lives. Now I dont want to care because it would hurt too much to realize I have a friend getting married soon and I have never met her fiance, would hurt too much to realize that a friend passed her CFAs and I did nothing but write on her facebook wall, would hurt too much to realize bdays flying by and me not planning huge outings just coz I dont have a slot free to do so, would hurt too much to realize that I dont know much about what's happening in my brothers' lives and that I cant feel compassionate towards my mum and her stress...so not caring makes it less painful, allows me to be more selfish, but doesnt make me any happier it seems. Its not that others are dissappointed in me as much as I am dissappointed in myself but what can you do with only 4 hours a day to yourself versus the HOURS we had to ourselves during uni? In those 4 hours you have to take time for yourself (play sports, have lunch, rest, run errands), make time for family, make time for a friend in need, etc and usually you'd pick to spend the time for yourself coz you dunno who else to give that time to without being picky! I feel I've become super selfish in comparison to how I used to be, and have killed any need to care just so I can feel ok about being selfish...but is it really about feeling selfish? Or do we just have less time, period! I feel that the right thing to do would be to dedicate more time to family and a few close friends, and to stop feeling guilty about not being able to be there for all the rest coz as a friend once told me, we all eventually will have only a couple of people whom we can really count on and our family. Its not because we cant count on the rest but simply because our careers take up too much of our time to be able to keep up with all the rest. So step one for me in this process is to stop the guilt, and to allow myself to feel again...I miss being able to genuinely care about people enough to do special things for them all the time! I think I just need to make peace with the fact that I can only do that with a very few number of people. And those few people deserve to be able to see all sides of me without having to share me with the world, and I deserve the same from them. While for the rest, I still love them, and would still love to be involved but never to the extent I used to, simply because of time. I have to stop feeling guilty also because, face it, we are all going through the EXACT same thing...so all these people I feel guilty about still love me too but they too have had to be selective with whom they let in their daily lives. Nothing wrong with just letting 2-3 people in on what I do or think about EVERY DAY, and the rest keeping them in my life but a relative distance. In the end, we all have special memories with each other, but its also nice to only allow a few to see every part of you, and to love every piece of you...makes them feel special and when they do the same it makes you feel awesome! I just need to start embracing what comes with growing up; it'll allow me to feel the joy of caring again ONLY if I limit it to a few special people...so why not? Its better than feeling you have split yourself so many ways with limited time...so in the end feeling guilt and detached all the time. Make the time to see all the rest in your life, but stop trying to involve all of them in all the small details. As sad as that may sound to me now, that's the best way to get the feeling I so love back...it just needs to take a different form now to work :)