Where'd she go?

Lately I have become this uninteresting, unsmiling, and unsatisfied person. Someone whom I never wanted to become! Someone I have been trying my best, since graduating, not to turn into. I seem to have let my guard down and lost my optimism somehow…I had a month where I went on two trips, so I came back with the usual post-awesome trip depression but I thought it would not last very long coz I have my friends and my life here which I was at least content with. Apparently not. It seems I need more adventure, more spontaneity…I need to be curious again, I need to be easily amused again, I need to find it easy to laugh again, I need to wake up feeling I have a purpose again! Lately work has been just plain…nothing exciting, which makes me dread going to work coz I end up feeling super duper useless which does nothing to improve my situation! Plus some of my friends are going through more or less what I am going through too so when we go out we tend to suddenly feel so old…too tired to have deep conversations and definitely too lazy to do something about it. We are less excited…less happy. I don’t know about you but I am personally sick of feeling like this! I will NOT turn into this person whom I hardly recognize…and definitely do not like! I need to remember what made me me. I am someone who radiates optimism that it can sometimes, if not always, drive people nuts. I am someone who usually has a smile on her face and finds it annoying to frown. I am someone who when feeling depressed just goes for a walk, or sleeps it off, or goes out with a friend and talks it out till its over. I am someone who can’t stay upset about something for more than a day even if I should be upset about it for much longer than that, just coz its too tiresome. I am someone who makes it a point not to hate anyone…if I’m not clicking with someone then I just keep them at a distance at which I could still accept their presence at least; I don’t let them get close enough for me to hate. I am someone who takes pictures obsessively because she’s afraid of losing the memories, then goes around wondering why she seems to only remember things that she took pictures off. I am someone who doesn’t mind going out with a group of people she doesn’t know so well because I appreciate the fascination of meeting new people. I am a person who definitely cares more about other people’s feelings and situations more than caring about herself…which sucks sometimes because you find yourself with no real goals except to please other people. But that’s me…if someone is upset and I can’t seem to be able to help them I feel bad…if I said a joke that may have been silly to someone I cannot help but apologize. It’s very stupid but it’s me and it keeps me happy to be sure the people around me are happy even if it’s at my own expense and even if I am exaggerating big time. I am someone who needs people around her who love her so that she can be happy; I get my energy from being around other people. I need to feel close to people whom I care a great deal about…I hate that phase of still getting to know someone. I like knowing what’s wrong with the person in front of me without him/her needing to tell me about it. I like knowing that the other person knows me inside out too and just knows everything that is going on with me. I NEED to be that person again coz at the moment I am definitely not happy! This person I want to dig back up is far from perfect…too dependent, too worrisome of other people’s feelings, too concerned with making sure she doesn’t regret a thing she does, too focused on doing the right thing always, and definitely finds comfort in living in la la land where she does not have to make any drastic decisions about her life…but at least that person always managed to see the good side to everything and of everyone, always managed to have a smile on her face, and always found it easy to let people in whom she loves. I have to find her again so I can stop feeling so lost.